I'm so tired.
Things I was trying to escape this morning when I turned my app blocker off early and scrolled through Instagram.
The zombie-like feeling after two poor nights of sleep in a row, with a half trail marathon in the mix, the longest distance I’ve covered in four months. The past two nights, I would be falling asleep reading in bed but as soon as I put the book down, my mind woke up. Last night, my tired body couldn’t get comfortable, I moved to the couch to read, and eventually fell asleep in the exact spot Sequoia is now curled up for his post-breakfast nap.
The fact that I have to report for jury selection at the criminal courthouse later this morning and, due to said shitty sleep, I would really much rather go back to bed. I also haven’t been able to plan anything because I don’t know if I’ll get selected or have to go back and I’m really uncomfortable with that feeling of being in limbo.
My mind feels mushy from yesterday’s run, and the bad sleep, and it’s easier to scroll than to actually start my day, than to think about the things I need to think about, and feel like I’m unable to because I’m tired, and then feel bad about being unable to, so at least I can get a hit of dopamine by scrolling.
The fact that it’s a beautiful day and my mood doesn’t match it and I will be stuck in a windowless courtroom for I don’t know how long.
How much I don’t feel like doing any of my usual morning things—writing, meditating, walking the dog—and want to blame not doing them on sleeping late and not having enough time before I have to commute, when really I have the time I just don’t have the brain power. Of course, scrolling makes me feel bad about that, rather than sitting with it and giving myself grace that this isn’t a normal Monday, that it’s okay not to feel like doing things all the time, and as soon as I told myself this, I could sit down to start writing this post.
And now I need to get ready to leave. I just wanted to quickly write this, so that if nothing else, I could feel good about one thing today, when I’m otherwise crabby and tired.
What one little thing can you do, today, to feel good?
Renew my passport. 😊