When I visit my mom, I roll out of bed, pour myself a cup of coffee, and then go sit with her in her bed, where she’s also awake and drinking coffee and sending her good morning text messages. I sit on the side my dad used to sleep on—even before he died, I’d sit here, him having been up for hours, the early bird of the relationship. Now, I’m in the bed and my husband is the one puttering around the house, letting us have our morning chats, sometimes coming in to encourage the dog to jump up with us. My mom’s 12-pound dog guards the bed, and my 45-pound dog ignores her and leaps up, trying to kiss my face and my mom’s, teasing her dog with one of her toys, having forgotten all about the toys we brought from home.
This time of year brings family dynamics into sharp relief for so many of us. I don’t “go home” for the holidays—my mom does not live in my childhood home or even my childhood state, there aren’t extended family members popping in and out, my sister and brother aren’t here. That is to say, there is nothing about this week that remotely resembles my childhood, and therefore it’s easy not to revert back to my 16-year-old self, my 10-year-old self, my older sister self, my oldest daughter self.
Well. These last two. I have adult versions of these relationships with my mom and siblings, but of course there remain dynamics there. No one really tells you how important it is to redefine these relationships once everyone is an adult. I know so many people whose relationships with their family either doesn’t change, and they’re still all trying to fit into the same roles, or it changes but no one talks about the changes and then struggle with why the relationships “suddenly” seem so hard. It happens with friends, too—sometimes friendships are there because of legacy, rather than current connection, and that’s okay, but it’s important to recognize that, acknowledge it, decide if that’s what you want, and adjust expectations accordingly. And then there needs to be a moment of grief for what was, what isn’t, what could have been, as that relationship changes. This calculus of course has grown exponentially since the 2016 election, and this time of year tends to force orbits to collide during family visits or when old friends want to see your kids or when it’s a mutual friend that will be at the party. I know I struggle with a certain sense of loyalty at these times, even with someone that I don’t want to give my energy to. There is power in being civil, and there is also power in deciding you no longer want to see that person or even chat with next to the drink table.
What I’m trying to say is, especially at this time of year when so many relationship dynamics are mixing us up, lean into the healthy adult relationships you have, whether that’s with blood family or found family. I’m grateful that my mom and sister are included in my circle of people who can meet me in that lean.
Take care of yourselves, y’all. You’re worth it. Happy New Year
Here are some other Substack accounts I’ve been enjoying lately for your reading pleasure:
Culture Study, from journalist Anne Helen Peterson
Hope your whatever was wonderful. Thank you for this piece. I appreciate how it whispers of (ongoing?) reinvention in a healthy, mindful way--this is where I find myself currently. Having someone else express it so well gives me peace. Wishing you a fulfilling 2024.
Warms my heart thinking of you and your mom having coffee in bed! Happy New Year!